Why is my child always getting so angry and frustrated by everyday tasks?
Why is my child always getting so angry and frustrated by everyday tasks?
If you’re a parent who is puzzled why their child seems to lack motivation for everyday tasks and starts getting angry when asked to do routine tasks, then this blog post is for you!
We all go through many emotional states in the course of a day: happiness, contentment, frustration, anger, you name it. Poor emotional regulation can obstruct progress, stopping us from achieving our goals. Most adults will find a way to regulate their emotions for the majority of the time, but children need to learn how to navigate their emotional states as they grow. Emotional control is required for completing everyday academic tasks, such as homework or, for younger children, such as practising reading. This is vital when learning a new skill is critical for long-term success.
Many parents I talk to report constantly feeling like walking on eggshells regarding daily school-related tasks. There are excuses, tears and then anger. Children capable of doing the work refuse to cooperate.
“You’re trying everything, but your child just isn’t getting with the programme and there can be a lot of emotional fallout.”
Completing homework tasks each day should be a smooth process – at least, most of the time! Some parents complain it is a drag from start to finish. Parents have to remind their children countless times. Parents often resort to standing over their children to ensure the task is completed. Any parent with a full-time job coming home to this behaviour every day can feel exhausted. You’re trying everything, but your child just isn’t getting with the programme and there can be a lot of emotional fallout.
First of all, let me tell you that you are far from alone! Every parent struggles to get their child through the daily routine, or to get them to do their homework, at some stage, and most parents worry that it is they that are doing something wrong. Most of the time, this is all perfectly normal and you will find a way to address it naturally as your child develops, but if it is becoming a serious problem, there may be other problems at play.
Could your child have an Executive Functioning Disorder?
Changing from one task to another involves moving attention to something else. We can all find that challenging at times but, for some children, this shifting of attention is very difficult and can cause a lot of internal friction.
This ability to move one's attention is an executive functioning skill, part of a set of skills which are essential to learning, development, and everyday tasks. The different skills are: controlling emotions, remembering what to do from moment to moment (working memory) and managing time. Being able to move from one task to another, or initiate a new activity, means we must push through any emotional discomfort, work procedurally, and keep our overall goal in mind.
When there is an executive functioning disorder, even routine tasks can be perceived as a big chore. If your child is getting angry, short-tempered and frustrated, looking at their executive functioning skills is a great place to start. Here is a questionnaire to help you identify the problems with executive functioning skills disorders.
How can you reduce your child's frustration and anger when changing tasks?
Parents need to understand changing tasks requires a lot of brain power, so try to avoid assuming your child will remember and follow through. There are strategies to get them on side, and here are my top recommendations:
Watch your child closely and observe their habits every day and at different times of the day. When they wake up, do they like having a specific breakfast every day, such as a favourite cereal? Do they have their school uniform laid out, and their bag organized, the night before?
“Observe your child, but do not judge.”
What about after school? Do they take their lunch box and their books out when they get home? What about their bag? Where does that go?
Observe your child, but do not judge. This way, you can start to see and understand their patterns of behaviour. What habits serve them well? Please list the things they do well and work from that point.
For example, your child likes to get home and play in the garden, or play with the dog for a while, then drifts to the television while eating their after-school snack. You can help them craft new habits by adding subtle shifts to their routine which your child may not even detect, and won’t upset or alarm them.
It is possible using strategic change for you to change their routine so that, after they eat their final biscuit, they can do their homework at the same table for thirty minutes. Remove the dirty crockery and replace it with the necessary books. Your child doesn’t need to move or make a massive shift in their behaviour as they are already in the correct place but now doing another activity. They may only do a little homework, but you may have less resistance because you have made the transition seamless.
Crafting behaviour change in this way will cut out unnecessary discussion. Consistency is critical because, at some point, your child will come to accept somebody (you!) placing their homework in front of them at this point in their routine. Praise the work done, and things will start to fall into place in time.
We call this creation of a chain of habits: Habit Stacking. It offers an alternative to thinking about starting a new task, by seamlessly linking it to tasks already in action. Once a child gets used to routinely having an agreeable slot to consider doing homework, it is only a question of time before they increase their output, cooperation and interest.
Being angry and short-tempered can often be a symptom of a bigger problem, but there are a number of therapeutic interventions which can help, all of which we can offer here at Raviv Practice London. Our bespoke one-to-one programme combines primitive reflex integration therapy, the Raviv Method and other rhythmic movement programs we have learned over years of training.
If you would like some help overcoming your child’s anger and frustration at important tasks, please do get in touch! I am always happy to talk about how we can help you help your child.
Dyslexia? Dyspraxia? ADHD? ASD? Speech & Language? Developmental Delay? Anxiety?
Is every school day a struggle? As a parent, you may feel exhausted and on this journey alone. Each year you see the gap getting wider. You need to do something - change the approach, help your child learn for themselves, find a way to turn this around before it is too late and they won’t listen - do this NOW. the first step is free.
About the Author
Usha Patel is a Neurocognitive Therapist and Director at Raviv Practice London. Parents searching to help their suspected/neurodiverse child can get evidence-based solutions with results in as little as 8 weeks. Those in search of jargon-free help can get started straight away.
