Is striving for perfection something children should avoid?
Is striving for perfection something children should avoid?
Last weekend, after the long break, I went to buy groceries at my local supermarket. Like many parents with teenagers at university, this was a last-minute food shop before returning to uni.
“Items were arranged like Tetris blocks; neatly interwoven to ensure he utilised all available space.”
Once home, I started transferring the groceries into a sturdy bag more suited for travel. As I neatly placed the shopping into the 'take to uni bag,' trying not to leave gaps for packets to tumble and break, I remembered how my late father would do the same for me all those years ago - always tightly packed. Groceries packed by my dad always arrive unbroken. He had a knack that never failed.
My father's shopping bags, packed suitcase, and sock drawer, to name a few, were always precise and neat. Items were arranged like Tetris blocks; neatly interwoven to ensure he utilised all available space. He was a man who carefully considered his actions before making decisions. His mantra was, 'Think twice, do once.'
“I would watch as curls of magical wood shavings appeared and fell to the floor as he used his wood-plainer”
My father was a perfectionist. His work as a joiner/carpenter meant precision. He would craft perfectly fitted dovetail joints that slot together like jigsaw pieces. When I was a little girl, in the holidays, my seat in his workshop was always warm. My job was to sit and wait, to be called upon to pass an instrument: a chisel or compass. As I waited eagerly on my perch, he would reassuringly often glance at me to say with his eyes, "I am gonna need you real soon," in the meantime, I would watch as curls of magical wood shavings appeared and fell to the floor as he used his wood plainer. My dad's workshop was a happy place. He was a master craftsman at work, always with a pencil tilted forty-five degrees behind his ear. Occasionally, he would take the pencil, make a mark on the wood, a measurement of sort, then he would return the pencil back behind his ear. Carpenters are known for measuring twice and cutting once, never taking chances.
Little did I know that my silent observations as a child would be helpful in later years when I studied architecture at university.
“I deal with perfectionism every day. Sometimes, perfectionism can be a hindrance”
But we are not all made the same.
My dad was a talented individual who knew the need for precision and the importance of being timely and efficient with his time.
But we are not all made the same. At my practice (in my second career) as a Neurocognitive therapist, I deal with perfectionism every day. Sometimes, perfectionism can be a hindrance.
In an early conversation with the father of one of my students, he mentioned that his son, James, always wanted things to be perfect. Perfectionism was a crippling trait for James, who suffered from several co-existing conditions of; dyscalculia, dyslexia and developmental coordination disorder (DCD). Trying to be perfect when the brain and body are working at half the speed of your peers is a huge disadvantage. James' parents were duly worried about his homework taking significantly longer. James often worked late into the evenings and never understood the end goal: to produce something rather than have nothing to hand in the next day.
“Brown wrapping paper in place of a blank white sheet of paper helped the daughter of a perfectionist!”
The fear of a blank sheet of paper
At university, I felt less resistant to starting any new design project when drawing on brown wrapping paper. Brown wrapping paper in place of a blank white sheet of paper helped the daughter of a perfectionist! I employed this type idea to help James overcome his fear of making mistakes, trying to be perfect and wasting hours re-writing his assignments.
After completing James' first round of therapy, which included working memory training, interactive metronome and phonics integration, the next task was to encourage James to write more. The previous programs helped him improve spelling, reading, memory, and comprehension. With the infrastructure, James's next goal was to become less inhibited about writing.
“The informality of using a phone to take dictations appealed to James, so we moved forward slowly.”
How to help someone scared of writing
The brown paper was not paper at all. It was the audio recorder on James' mum's phone. James would dictate his ideas into the phone and play them back. James' parents and I did toy with the idea of using assisted technology. However, James needed to practice his handwriting too. The informality of using a phone to take dictations appealed to James, so we moved forward slowly.
“The informality of using a phone to take dictations appealed to James, so we moved forward slowly.”
Dictating stories or homework tasks into a phone seemed fun. James did not need to worry about spelling; he was talking. Being free of the burden of spelling allowed James to use his rich vocabulary and colourful imagination.
James' next task was to listen to and write out the paragraphs he had dictated. After a few weeks of repeating this process, I noticed James's voice, became more confident when talking to me. He was not worried about asking his parents to help with spelling and became curious about word spelling. James had already started reading significantly more from the previous round of work. With James' new interest in writing, he wanted to read even more than before, and it soon became a self-feeding loop of curiosity. It is a work in progress, but a happier child has emerged, and that was my primary aim to overcome the fear of striving for a perfectionism that did not serve this student.
“Forcing children to learn through a single medium can be discouraging for those who wish to learn but cannot absorb information in the manner presented”
Grammar and spelling are challenging.
Schools are now learning to ignore spelling mistakes to encourage children to write without fear. Children can learn from reading books, but they can also learn from other sources, such as YouTube and audiobooks. Forcing children to learn through a single medium can be discouraging for those who wish to learn but cannot absorb information in the manner presented. It is also impractical to teach a class of thirty children in an individual style that best suits that child. However, as a parent, it is wiser to pick the battles carefully so your child is not put off and worried unnecessarily. There are always alternatives available, especially when multiple problems are at play.
“Striving to be perfect in things is not a character flaw but an intention to do one’s very best.”
The aim is to build curiosity and self-interest. For neurodiverse children, it takes years to build confidence. Often, they are too hard on themselves; I see this all the time with my students. These children work hard but do not always receive the rewards they deserve, which is unfair. However, I have observed that the hard work they put in during their early years enables them to adopt a growth mindset and demonstrate greater determination compared to their non-neurodivergent peers.
Striving to be perfect in things is not a character flaw but an intention to do one’s very best.
Dyslexia? Dyspraxia? ADHD? ASD? Speech & Language? Developmental Delay? Anxiety?
Is every school day a struggle? As a parent, you may feel exhausted and on this journey alone. Each year you see the gap getting wider. You need to do something - change the approach, help your child learn for themselves, find a way to turn this around - to help while you can - do this NOW. the first step is free.
About the Author
Usha Patel is a Neurocognitive Therapist and Director at Raviv Practice London. Parents searching to help their suspected/neurodiverse child can get evidence-based solutions with results in as little as 8 weeks. Those in search of jargon-free help can get started straight away.
