When my son sits down for dinner, he often sits and stares at the plate of food
Helping children with decision-making and prioritisation challenges.
“When my son sits down for dinner, he often just sits and stares at the plate of food.”
Imagine the scenario; you can smell that delicious home-made meal of roast chicken, potatoes, Yorkshire pudding, all the trimmings. You’ve been looking forward to this culinary delight all day. After the planning, shopping and cooking, this is the moment of glory… but your child is sitting at the table with the brakes on, unwilling to even try it.
What do you do?
These are the sorts of questions parents are asking as they struggle to find a reason behind their child’s behaviour. There may be an associated diagnosis and an educational plan in place, but how do you, as a parent, get your child to eat this meal right here, right now?
He turns to you, and says “Where do I start with this?” What do you reply? “Anywhere you want to, love!” Is there a right answer to such a question, and if so, what might that be?
Looking at Patterns.
Behavioural issues can appear anywhere from mealtime, to bedtime, or playtime. These incidents seem like random disconnected moments. But my advice would be to look for patterns of behaviour. Where else does your child get stuck in making decisions, and why might that be?
“When you have your list, you can start seeing a clear pattern emerge.”
Grouping behaviours
If I asked you “When does your child have difficulty making decisions?” you might come up with a similar list to this imaginary one. It’s the first step in understanding where your child is coming from.
My child gets stuck on:
How to write letters or numbers and starts from the bottom up, not top-down.
Where to start with easy homework, and a feeling of overwhelm.
Which foot to use when climbing into the bath.
Where to start a meal, what food to eat first.
How to start packing a PE or school bag.
When you have your list, you can start seeing a clear pattern emerge. If a pattern does not jump out at you at first, keep going with your list, or look at it from a different angle, until you can begin seeing groups of behaviours. In this particular example, the one consistent problem is that the child is not able to prioritise information into order. Their lack of order means they have chaotic, random thinking and may rely on others to help with decision-making.
What is Prioritisation?
So if we continue with this hypothetical child, how do we get a child to understand sequences?
Being able to think in steps and deciding which steps to take first takes practice. We sequence information all the time, such as with the morning routine:
1. Wake up.
2. Wash.
3. Get dressed.
4. Have breakfast.
5. Get on with the day.
Do you put you pants on last like Superman?
This process is done every day. However, working through this sequence and being aware of the steps are two entirely different things. So you can try to help your child understand how sequencing works. You can prompt them by asking “what comes next in order?” Simple things, like talking about which order clothes are worn, can help them to think more about these everyday tasks. Nobody apart from super heroes puts on their underpants last. Talking about this means they think about the order of things and think about prioritisation. If they have any routines established, like the bedtime routine, ask them, can they jump into bed in their daytime clothes or have breakfast without even waking up? It seems obvious, but they have never thought about it before. These playful questions also introduce the topic without it feeling like a chore.
Once a child starts thinking about a given scenario, a priority will emerge for that particular routine. At that point, we have the eureka moment that any task can have order to it.
So from that point, you can actually teach your child where the starting point is for many things, such as writing numbers and letters, or planning how to complete homework. This does not mean they have the capacity to do the homework, but they will start to appreciate the sequential steps. Each time they practise, they remove a tiny bit of anxiety related to starting that task, in place of running away and hiding.
Here are some examples of fun activities which teach sequencing, developing logical skills and prioritising:
- Baking cakes
- Planting seeds
- Origami
- Talking about your day
Returning to the dilemma at the start of this blog, the child who refuses to eat their roast dinner may actually not know where to start. The decision might be overwhelming. By teaching them how to prioritise, these choices will become simple.
Dyslexia? Dyspraxia? ADHD? ASD? Speech & Language? Developmental Delay? Anxiety?
Is every school day a struggle? As a parent, you may feel exhausted and on this journey alone. Each year you see the gap getting wider. You need to do something - change the approach, help your child learn for themselves, find a way to turn this around - to help while you can - do this NOW. the first step is free.
